Sherlock Holmes and the Fairies

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is remembered for his stories of Sherlock Holmes and the Lost World. A new biography tries to reconcile these seemingly highly logical writings with his unshakeable belief in fairies and the supernatural. 

Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle skiing

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was an action man. Football, ice skating, skiing, bodybuilding, and golf, you name it, he did it and usually well. A physical giant with energy to spare and the spirit of the true adventurer, he had been on an Arctic whaler and on top of the pyramids. He was one of the first motor car enthusiasts and once wrote an outraged letter to the Daily Mail after being caught in one of the earliest speed traps. And the Daily Mail hasn’t progressed an inch in its world view since then.

Conan Doyle also flew a biplane, played the banjo, studied medicine, and practiced as a doctor. He stood for parliament, was friends with Houdini, Oscar Wilde, and Lloyd George. He tended a terminally ill wife while squiring a young mistress, and he campaigned against slavery in the Congo. Besides of which, he managed to turn out Sherlock Holmes stories by the dozen, as well as The Lost World and numerous other fiction and science fiction stories; on top of that all, the produced piles and piles of very bad poetry.

And if that all was not enough, he had ample time to concern himself with the weird and the wonderful. He was absolutely convinced that occultism was the most important development of the time and that the spiritualist movement would open up new ways to understand the world and science. He also championed one of the weirdest ideas ever, a Channel Tunnel from France to England.

But he loved a good séance, with moving chairs, ghostly appearances, and rapping on the wall preferably with some ectoplasm thrown in for good measure. His preoccupation with all this led him to endorse the spoof photographs of fairies appearing in his time. Produced by two girls in their garden in Cottingley, Yorkshire, with the help of cardboard cut-outs, they were seemingly good enough for him to proclaim them genuine.

But that was not the pinnacle by far. He managed to outshine even Hugh Trevor-Roper and his Hitler Diaries disaster. He widely promoted Oscar Wilde’s last book as his absolute masterpiece. The book was certainly remarkable in its way as it was written by Wilde no less than 23 years after his death by means of dictating it to a medium through an Ouija board. Someone else might call this a fake.

Conversations With Arthur Conan Doyle by Simon Parke was published by White Crow Books. The book is set up as an interview with Parke’s questions being answered by Conan Doyle through his writing be it fictional, biographical, or polemical. It might work for some people to go at the problem that way; but I can’t say it did it for me. I found the book very tedious to read, though it was interesting and in places unwittingly funny.

Further reading
Ghosts Lacking in Spirit
Don't Speak Well of the Dead
Duchess of Death

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson are in a Stable Gay Relationship

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson moved to London on May 18th, 2011, coming from Edinburgh by way of Weymouth. A press release stated that it is hoped they will be able and willing to incubate eggs from unreliable heterosexual couples.

Michael Phelps in speedo

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson, Michael and Daley to you and me, moved to London into a newly built bespoke complex specifically built for them and their relatives. Their relationship had started in Edinburgh where they had been living prior to their move. Now you will be able to visit them whenever you are in London to admire their cuts any day, even during feeding time. I am told that they are very sociable. The more conventional members of the group are Tom Daley, Jessica Ennis, and Usain Bolt to name just a few.

London Aquarium has opened its new Penguin Beach and welcomed a group of nine Gentoo Penguins bred and raised in Edinburgh Zoo. One of the couples that moved in is gay and they have been named after Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson in an online survey. The Penguins at the aquarium have been given armbands to distinguish the boys from the girls, but it seems those two are set to contravene conventions. Keepers hope they will be adopting ignored eggs from unstable heterosexual couples.

Gentoo Penguins come from the Antarctic, the beach on offer in London will not be inviting to you for sunbathing, and you might feel a bit cool. The environment for the new inhabitants was carefully designed to imitate their natural habitat with the help of the British Antarctic Survey. Their consecutive moves from Edinburgh to Weymouth and London had been done in a way as to not interfere with their breeding season. Edinburgh Zoo is host to a highly successful breeding scheme for the Gentoo Penguins, while Weymouth hosts another Sea Life Centre where the penguins underwent group building training and their London keepers learned their ropes on penguin husbandry.

Gentoo Penguins are smaller than the Emperor or King Penguins, but the fastest swimmers of all. They jump from the water into the air; the resulting air bubbles on their feathers work as a lubricant to allow them speeds of up to 36 kph (22 mph). They are also the fastest runners sometimes managing to outrun people on their favourite ground. And you thought they just had stubbly legs? In general, they are hyperactive and a lot of fun to watch.

The new area allows visitors to get in touch with the freezing and inhospitable (to us) environment where penguins live. A freezing ice wall, an icy touch pool, and a spoof Antarctic Research Station together with Antarctic Sea Anemones and Giant Spider Crabs form the backdrop for the acrobatic main act of the Gentoo Penguins. If you feel like getting to face to beak with Michael Phelps, go there!

Further reading
The Gay Tom Daley
Gigathlon Six Day Challenge Race
When Doping Was All Bulls Balls

New Dream Team: Pippa Middleton and Justin Bieber

This must be the new dream team: The Bieb and The Bum have joined forces to conquer the universe. In a right Royal salute, the Middletons and the Biebers have hooked up their common interests to gain supremacy over the World Wide Web’s tat market.

Justin Bieber undressing trial

To make it clear, The Bieb and The Bum have not been photographed together (yet), but their announcement was as momentous as any Royal betrothal. The Middleton business Party Pieces has been licensed to sell Bieber memorabilia through their homepage. The reaction of the envy crowd was predictable: Pippa is cashing in on her Royal connection. What losers! I mean the envy crowd, not the Middletons or the Biebers.

The advantage of the announced deal are obvious; there will be no official divorce or other news gimmicks in this joining of two internet star names, only cash. The Bieb can be sure to be selling on a web site that will be constantly in the news for decades to come, thanks to the busy bodies who will continue accusing the Middletons of cashing in. For the Middleton business it closes a gap. They had tat on Wills and Kate for mum, Super Mario for dad, Toy Story 3 for the boys, now they have the Bieb for the girls.

And they should live happily ever after, as in any fairytale, if it weren’t for the permanently envious losers who accuse just about anybody successful enough to cashing in on something or another. I for one hope that they might drown one of these days in their own bile while cheering on the Middletons to every penny they may garner through Party Pieces. If you live in the United Kingdom, you should be doing the same.

As opposed to most of the cheating high street brands, Carole and Michael Middleton pay their taxes in the UK and not in Switzerland (like Boots) or in Monaco (like Tesco). Every penny they earn therefore goes partly to pay taxes, and in case you should have forgotten or belong to the millions too lazy to ever work, taxes paid by many means lower taxes and more money for everybody. Just keep that in mind next time you want to snicker about doors-to-manual.

Real tax payers like Carole and Michael Middleton are the true aristocracy of this country, because they pay their taxes here (and most of the ‘old’ aristocracy do that, too, much to their credit). Its cheaters like Zac Goldsmith who are the runts of the pack, buying their way into the Commons and cheating on the taxes by so called ‘legal’ means. I definitely prefer someone ‘cashing in’ on their Royal connection than cashing in on my taxes.

While The Bieb was estimated of being worth 100 million pounds ($ 160 million), Party Pieces was estimated at a mere 30 million pounds ($ 50 million). The crux of the latter estimate is that it was made after the betrothal announcement of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge but before the Wedding. After Pippa’s bum went viral on that occasion, its worth might now be much nearer to The Bieb.

Further reading
Justin Bieber: 19th Birthday in London
William and Kate: Title History
How Royal Succession Works in the United Kingdom

Supermodel Xenia Tchoumitcheva Moves to London

Watch out, London, Xenia Tchoumitcheva will make you her new headquarters in June. The Elite Model has announced that she will move to London despite the fact that she hasn’t yet found an appropriate apartment. Most importantly, she moves for career reasons, not love. Men, keep your eyes open! 

Xenia Tchoumitcheva

Xenia Tchoumitcheva was born on the 5th of August 1989. She has been working as a model since the age of 12 and is listed with the Elite Model Agency. In 2006, she was runner-up in the Miss Switzerland contest and won the prestigious Miss Photogenic contest at the same time. The following year, she was listed on place one on the list of the most eligible bachelorettes in Switzerland.

Besides modelling, she is a well liked host in TV shows for the three national Swiss TV stations (one for German speakers, one for Italian speakers, one for French speakers) as she is fluent in all three languages as well as Russian and English. These languages also encouraged her acting career, as she starred in Les Enfant de la Hônte, a French short film directed by Alain Margot in 2007; and besides many other short appearances, she played a part in Without Men in 2011 starring Eva Longoria and Christian Slater.

In 2010, Xenia Tchoumitcheva was embroiled in a rather annoying case of identity fraud on Facebook where someone put up fake pages in her name. She got that sorted out with the help of her fans, but it goes to show how little control Facebook has over what is going on on its pages. Her Slovakian fanclub on Facebook has given her the title of the Swiss Brigitte Bardot, by the way.

In 2011, an impostor struck again. A would-be model claiming to go by the name of Xenia (she later claimed that her real name was Anastasia) appeared on a French reality TV Show called Carre ViiiP laying claim to a CV startlingly similar to Xenia’s with the exception to hailing from Geneva instead of the Ticino region in Switzerland. Xenia issued a denial as to any connection with that show; the issue was never cleanly resolved as the show was dumped after only two weeks; I wish they would do that with all this so called reality shows.

Now Xenia Tchoumitcheva has announced that she will pursue her career in London. If you expect her on stage acting, in a club playing music, or on the catwalk modelling, you’re far off. She is starting to work as an investment banker. This proves that real crime is still paying better than play acting about it. She holds a BA in economics and had done time with Merrill Lynch in 2007.

If you plan to chat her up, you might want to check out her homepage and especially her blog. If you like your blondes dumb, then I would advise you to go look somewhere else.

Further reading
Brazilian Male Model Andrei Ries
Too Pretty for Dickens?
Pretty Twilight Boys

The United States Cheated the United Kingdom (again)

Following the state visit of their Obamishnesses to the United Kingdom, it emerged that the United States after all their protests of eternal friendship cheated again and in a backhanded vicious attack condemned the United Kingdom to face the final punishment.

Cheryl Cole

Their Obamishnesses were in London again (one wonders if they are ever anywhere else) clocking up congestion charges and generally making life difficult for real people. During their visit at Buckingham Palace and on several other occasions, they protested the eternal friendship The US holds for the United Kingdom. Why then was the United Kingdom punished in an unprecedented way immediately after they left?

The United Kingdom was friendly enough to give the President back unharmed to the United States. In return, though, the retaliated by sending us back Cheryl Cole. Is there any country in the world that deserves such a punishment? They could have sent her to Guantanamo instead, couldn’t they?

For months, Britain has been one continuous street party and the media were aglow with happiness; two of the most untalented and uninspiring self-proclaimed celebrities had left for the US and we could finally hope for better times. While Simon Cowell obviously bribed enough people not to be kicked out immediately again, Cheryl Cole failed in taking the US as she fails in everything she does.

It is absolutely inconceivable how this could have happened. Was her Shakespearean English too complicated for American audiences? Or did her Einsteinean intellect put them off? Could her Seinfeldean wit have been too much to bear?

Everything else must just have captivated her audience, as we all know just too well. Her natural charms are many; her nylon hair cascades in natural curls so pleasing over her bony shoulders; her smile is so beguiling when she shows off her expensive dentures; and her glued-on nails and lashes just enhance her natural beauty. Her youthful looks (on a par with the Duchess of Cornwall if less vivid) couldn’t fail to make an impression, a rather deep one if you ask her wrinkles vying with the Grand Canyon for depths. And last, but by no means least, her beautiful singing voice, missing every tone even in monotone, sends crowds crazy (about like swarming bees).

So why did the US send her back? Was it in retaliation for sending back Madonna to the US? While that would be understandable, it still couldn’t be compared in negative impact on the national psyche. However you look at it, it can’t be construed as anything but a diplomatic affront. This struggling country had just started to enjoy the beauty of the vacancies left behind by those two lumps of show business. Recession is a joy compared to the mere thought of having to put up with a non-English speaker back on the X-Factor.

Reports that the government is trying to block her passport to keep the country from falling into universal despair have not been either denied or acknowledged so far. But desperate times demand desperate measures, let’s hope she can somehow be nailed down wherever she is (despite the fact that this is in breach of human rights of the people who have to suffer her presence).

Further reading
Louis Thomlinson: The Minder of One Direction
JLS: Selling Off Aston
Most Wanted: The Wanted