Catholic London: It's Anecdotal

When a catholic priest tells anecdotes about well known and less well known people levitating around the power center of Britain, don't expect earth shaking revelations. Have some fun laughing about people you don't like anyhow and get some insights into some people you shouldn't like, but did so far. Sinners And Saints by Father Michael Seed was published by Metro Publishing. 

Mother Teresa

Father Michael Seeds is one of many catholic priests who have spent too much time with the high and mighty and too little with the poor and needy; ask Pope Francis. It is therefore hardly surprising that his collection of little stories involves a spate of names dropping. The book packed with amusing anecdotes involving power brokers in the united Kingdom. He makes it quite obvious: Power corrupts.
 
He shows up the sheer lunacy of religious people when relating to the dying days of Cardinal Hume. When announcing his coming death due to terminal cancer, Basil Hume received the answer: ‘Congratulations! That’s brilliant news. I wish I was coming with you.’ This came from the Abbot of Ampleforth. But as ecumenical advisor to the cardinals at Westminster, lunacy is the least of Michael Seeds' problems. Eccentrics, hobgoblins, and sleazes abound in his narrative.
 
There was someone called Ann Widdecombe, While still into politics (and before her reincarnation as a comic) she pulled a major publicity stunt with her conversion to Catholicism. She hid paparazzi in the crypt. She even managed to top that feat later on. Organizing an exorcism at the Home Office, she hoped to rid the rooms of the evil aura of Michael Howard who had ‘something of the night’ about him, after he left office.
 
Tony Blair was more circumspect with his sneaky conversion to Catholicism. He demanded that Michael Seeds enter through one of the ground floor windows at No 10 Downing Street to read mass to the Blair family in corpore. Alan Clark treated him as his servant priest. After once telling him that having talked to God he now felt completely at ease, he continued by showing him his collection of Nazi memorabilia.
 
Mother Teresa of Calcutta used to descend on London and demand a 30 room mansion for herself and her entourage; and would get it. Cardinal Hume said: ‘She always wants things and I always give them to her.’ Basil Hume himself is described by Michael Seeds as childish, petulant and immature while throwing tantrums when missing a football match due to his duties. And driving past No 10 Downing Street he would shout ‘Maggie out!’ But Cardinal Hume was known to never give anybody any lifts in his personal car (paid for by the faithful): ‘My car is not a taxi.’ So, how does Seeds know this?
 
There are numerous funny stories in between some plain names dropping, so the book is quite a good and amusing read. All of it obviously has to be taken with a pinch of salt, to put it mildly. Or as my grand-mother used to say: ‘Si non è vero, è ben trovato.’ (If it is not the truth, at least it’s well invented.)

Further reading
History Distortion With Criminal Intent
Eccentric Aristocrats' Stories
Roger Moore Biography

ITV Failed in Catching Tom Daley

ITV, usually in the lead when catching Tom Daley for a show, failed in getting him onto I'm a Celebrity 2013. Rumours have it that Tom Daley has turned down a £250,000 offer to appear in the most brainless show ITV has the honour of putting on every year. As it is also a show for has-been D-listers, I don't think Tom Daley should really be on it.

Tom Daley

While it had been repeatedly reported that the Olympic diving star said he would be up for a stint in the jungle, the offer was either not good enough, or the timing was just off as he has enough other commitments not least with ITV. And Tom Daley has been criticized in the past for not concentrating enough on his diving career.

And he already has two TV commitments to juggle around his diving. There is the second series of celebrity diving show Splash as well as a fly-on-the-wall documentary series. If you haven't seen Splash last time round, make time for it this year. While the celebrity diving is not too inspiring, the diving shows put on by the professionals are something not to miss out on.

But for Tom Daley to let other stunts go by seems a wise decision. Unlike most I'm a Celebrity contestants, his career is not over and he won't join the old age pensioners next year. So who are the non-entities that are rumoured to become part of the trashy display?

A former Apprentice winner by name of Stella English is set for the jungle after claiming to be broke. Seemingly she messed up on her job with Lord Sugar. I couldn't tell you more as I usually don't usually follow second rate celebrities except if they are really amusing.

“Stella’s basically claiming The Apprentice ruined her life, which would make great viewing if she dished the dirt. It would also be a good way for ITV to have a little dig at Lord Sugar and rival channel BBC,” a source told the Daily Star Sunday. “Although nothing is finalised yet producers are confident Stella will sign on the dotted line. It’s a great opportunity to ease her money worries and repair her image.”

Other names linked to this year’s series include Paul Gascoigne (a broke footballer if I'm not mistaken), Michael Le Vell (a minor actor in a minor TV series), and an Emmerdale actress by name of Lucy Pargeter (I was told she was Chas Spencer, one of the names would probably be from the TV series, one her acting name?) Who knows or cares.

There are more names bandied about. One of the thousand or more former X Factor singers on the list is Rylan Clark whose career has stopped after never taking off. There is also one Lucy Mecklenburgh from The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE), one of the most pointless TV productions if you ignore I'm a Celebrity.

Further reading
Splash Line-up Next Round
Tom Daley Calendar 2014
Diving World Championship 2013

Carl Hirschmann Jun. Died of Cancer

A speaker of the Hirschmann family announced the death by cancer of Carl Hirschmann Jun. at the University Hospital in Zurich. He also said that no statements would be made by his sons Michael and Carl Hirschmann on the occasion. Addressed specifically to the media, he stated that the funeral would be a family affair and that no media representatives were welcome to attend. 

Carl Hirschmann

Carl Hirschmann Jun. was one of the children of the founder of Jet Aviation Carl Hirschmann Sen. He served in the company under his father until he was chucked out in 1983. The affair behind the boot was so ridiculous, it is hardly credible. Carl Hirschmann Sen. had ordered a driver and car to take him from Basel to Baden-Baden in Germany. But driver and car were already on their way to Nice in the South of France to pick up Carl Jun.’s wife. Carl Hirschmann Sen. took this rather personally and chucked his son out of the company.

Carl Hirschmann Jun. was succeeded as crown prince by his brother Thomas Hirschmann. Carl spent the following years waging a war of attrition against both his father and his brother culminating in denouncing them for tax fraud. Carl Sen. and Thomas were found guilty and had to pay over 24 million pounds in taxes and fines.

Carl Hirschmann Sen. died in 1995 leaving Thomas in command of Jet Aviation. This changed in 2003, when a shareholder coup supervised by Carl’s widow Rita replaced the existing board of directors with herself and three of her cronies. Thomas was fired the same day. In 2005, the family sold the majority of shares to private equity firm Permira Funds and Carl Hirschmann Jun. replaced Rita on the board while retaining his shares. He even acted (oh irony) as CEO ad interim for a while until the company was sold to General Dynamics in 2008.

Carl Hirschmann Jun. died of cancer at the University Hospital of Zurich on July 30th, 2010 at the age of 61. His son Carl Hirschmann’s speaker Sacha Wigdorovits made it quite clear that the media would not be welcome at the funeral. Carl Hirschmann had a permanent media presence over the past year thanks to several scandals instigated by him.

The name Carl Hirschmann still seems to bring forth the worst in media sloppiness. Most of the headlines and articles pertaining to the death of Carl Hirschmann Jun. confuse him with his father. Accordingly, they credit him with having founded Jet Aviation. Considering the amount of capital needed for that, it would have been an extraordinary feat for an 18 year old.

Add this sloppiness to the earlier usually incompetent media coverage pertaining to Carl Hirschmann and his scandals, the pointed barb against any media presence at the funeral is highly understandable.

The article was originally published on Triond on 07/08/10.

Further reading
When a Sassy Headline Becomes an Embarrassment
The Hirschmann Family Saga
Carl Hirschmann Repeat Performances

Grandage, Inishmaan, and Daniel Radcliffe

Daniel Radcliffe is one of those actors that don't need an introduction. A star since he started playing Harry Potter, the movie series saw him grow from child to man. He then made his memorable stage appearance in Equus. Next came his singing debut in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He is a bag full of surprises. And now he plays a cripple in the West End.

Daniel Radcliffe in The Cripple of Inishmaan

 

Daniel Radcliffe plays the Cripple of Inishmaan in Michael Grandage's West End production in the Noel Coward Theatre of the play by Martin McDonagh. While the good people of Inishmaan think it a famous joke that the lad known as Cripple Billy has dreams of becoming a movie star. Billy's aunts agree that any girl who would consider kissing him would have to be both blind and backward. They have a list of what makes their nephew so unprepossessing; it's not just his deformed body but his face, eyes and personality, too.

Maybe you think that looker Daniel Radcliffe is not the obvious choice for that role. You would also think that a cripple is not the obvious choice for a leading part in a comedy. The two improbabilities go together exceedingly well. It works because Daniel Radcliffe blends right into the scenery on stage and the cast. Cripple Billy is an anomaly on Inishmaan. His physical deformity sets him apart from all other inhabitants. But on this remote island being bored is the dominant pastime. Billy is not so much an outsider as part of the same old landscape in the same old village of familiar and therefore irritating people.

Martin McDonagh’s uses the remote setting on an Island off the Irish coast to evolve a acute analysis of what makes human tick. Nothing ever happens on Inishmaan, not even the news. It follows that the most humdrum gossip gets inflated into big and necessarily distorted news. When word spreads that Hollywood director Robert Flaherty is shooting a film on nearby Inishmore, the excitement knows no bounds. (The Cripple of Inishmaan is set at the time of the making of Robert Flaherty’s 1934 movie Man of Aran.)

Martin McDonagh revels in the art of creating myths out of nothing. He has a gift for inventing village tittle-tattle. He then takes is and through repeated phrases and actions gives it a liturgical cadence. At this point, rumour becomes truth. The play lives of this and switchback narratives that keep changing directions on the spectator.

The Cripple of Inishmaan is the third production from the newly formed Michael Grandage Company residing at the Noel Coward Theatre in London's West End. The troupe is notable for its illustrious leading actors and actresses playing alongside raw talent and journeyman players.The two previous plays were Privates on Parade by Peter Nichols starring Simon Russell Beale, and the premiere of Peter and Alice by John Logan with Dame Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw. There is a treat to come in November with Jude Law as Henry V.

Further reading

Brideshead Revisited
Douglas Booth
Politically Incorrect

Pity the Middleton Family

Many might think that having a Royal Duchess as a daughter must be like a dream come true. The reality is far from that. That being related to a member of the Royal Family resembles more to a nightmare is mainly due to the press and the media.

Carole Middleton, family matriarch

Hockey mums play for it; tiger mums go on the prowl for it: Marrying their daughter off to a Royal Duke is the ultimate accolade of achievement. But it happened to Carol Middleton’s daughter Kate instead. She is neither a hockey mum nor a tiger mum. If she were one, she would have failed, because these obstreperous mums lack the main characteristic that is needed: Reticence.

Love happens even in high places, and who can say that is a bad thing? But the time of organised intermarriage between the ruling houses is over since the Great War; the future in-laws of a Royal Prince are now as predictable as the lottery. Not that these in-laws had always been above reproach. In that sense, Prince William was actually extremely lucky not only with Kate Middleton’s parents Carol and Michael, but also with her sister Pippa and her brother James.

But that is where the fairy tale ends, or so it seems. The press is constantly carping about the Middletons cashing in on their Royal connection. They haven’t reason to do so and what meagre evidence they present is apocryphal. What they are doing is called journalism by envy and by jealousy. It is time they got a grip on reality and attacked those that really are cashing in.

Carol and Michael Middleton have been received at Buckingham Palace on more than one private occasion; they have been invited to Ascot by the Queen and arrived officially with the Royal cavalcade. The Queen can’t say what she thinks, that is not part of her job. But it is little things like these that indicate her approval of the Middleton family and their behaviour. And it drives embittered little journalists up the walls and makes them out of reason cross.

To Buckingham Palace insiders, Carol Middleton has become The Steel Marshmallow Mark II; Mark I was the Queen Mother. Photographer had once described her as a marshmallow made in a welding machine; he probably was right. Carol has even adopted one of the Queen Mother’s dictums: Never complain, never explain. If she doesn’t say it, she is very good at following it to the letter. It has served her well, obviously.

So they are cashing in on their Royal connection? Where, please? They ran a business in the past and they keep on running it. So far, I have seen no offer from any journalist to pay them for doing nothing and in turn taking on their 30 employees; have you? Their business Party Pieces is not only a good business; in its niche, it is market leader in the United Kingdom. It was that before Kate Middleton became Catherine Duchess of Cambridge. They sell tat, so what? If you sell tat, one of the obvious subjects of this tat is the Royal Family. The press will just have to learn to live with that. That the family has to pay for their own security on the other hand seems to be perfectly alright with these selfsame journalists. Maybe they should be made to pay for the policemen that are on the beat in their neighbourhood.

Pippa Middleton was accused of the same thing when she appeared at Wimbledon and at Roland Garros before that. When she was presented with a gift by the president of Peugeot while in Paris, she was accused of cashing in on her Royal connection. What should she have done? Slap the old man in his face? Envy, jealousy, call it what you want, but such journalists are not worth the name. That Pippa was stopped by the government from travelling to the continent on at least one occasion because of another terrorist panic attack in Whitehall, nobody mentioned. But it’s not much fun, being the sister of a Duchess.

Justin Bieber‘s marketing and Party Pieces have recently concluded a deal for merchandising his tat. It was immediately alleged that this deal was only done because of their Royal connections. No honeys, it was done because they are the market leader. No one, as far as I can tell, has yet accused Justin Bieber of cashing in on the Middletons connections. Funny world, isn’t it?

At least the Queen and Prince Charles appreciate their reticence and circumspection. The family is supported by Royal staff from both sources whenever issues arise. The holistic approach in presenting this normal family alongside the Royal Family seems so far to pay off. But all in all, you really don’t wish the situation they are in on your worst enemy.

Further reading
New Dream Team: Pippa Middleton and Justin Bieber
William and Kate: Title History
How Royal Succession Works in the United Kingdom

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson are in a Stable Gay Relationship

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson moved to London on May 18th, 2011, coming from Edinburgh by way of Weymouth. A press release stated that it is hoped they will be able and willing to incubate eggs from unreliable heterosexual couples.

Michael Phelps in speedo

Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson, Michael and Daley to you and me, moved to London into a newly built bespoke complex specifically built for them and their relatives. Their relationship had started in Edinburgh where they had been living prior to their move. Now you will be able to visit them whenever you are in London to admire their cuts any day, even during feeding time. I am told that they are very sociable. The more conventional members of the group are Tom Daley, Jessica Ennis, and Usain Bolt to name just a few.

London Aquarium has opened its new Penguin Beach and welcomed a group of nine Gentoo Penguins bred and raised in Edinburgh Zoo. One of the couples that moved in is gay and they have been named after Michael Phelps and Daley Thompson in an online survey. The Penguins at the aquarium have been given armbands to distinguish the boys from the girls, but it seems those two are set to contravene conventions. Keepers hope they will be adopting ignored eggs from unstable heterosexual couples.

Gentoo Penguins come from the Antarctic, the beach on offer in London will not be inviting to you for sunbathing, and you might feel a bit cool. The environment for the new inhabitants was carefully designed to imitate their natural habitat with the help of the British Antarctic Survey. Their consecutive moves from Edinburgh to Weymouth and London had been done in a way as to not interfere with their breeding season. Edinburgh Zoo is host to a highly successful breeding scheme for the Gentoo Penguins, while Weymouth hosts another Sea Life Centre where the penguins underwent group building training and their London keepers learned their ropes on penguin husbandry.

Gentoo Penguins are smaller than the Emperor or King Penguins, but the fastest swimmers of all. They jump from the water into the air; the resulting air bubbles on their feathers work as a lubricant to allow them speeds of up to 36 kph (22 mph). They are also the fastest runners sometimes managing to outrun people on their favourite ground. And you thought they just had stubbly legs? In general, they are hyperactive and a lot of fun to watch.

The new area allows visitors to get in touch with the freezing and inhospitable (to us) environment where penguins live. A freezing ice wall, an icy touch pool, and a spoof Antarctic Research Station together with Antarctic Sea Anemones and Giant Spider Crabs form the backdrop for the acrobatic main act of the Gentoo Penguins. If you feel like getting to face to beak with Michael Phelps, go there!

Further reading
The Gay Tom Daley
Gigathlon Six Day Challenge Race
When Doping Was All Bulls Balls

New Dream Team: Pippa Middleton and Justin Bieber

This must be the new dream team: The Bieb and The Bum have joined forces to conquer the universe. In a right Royal salute, the Middletons and the Biebers have hooked up their common interests to gain supremacy over the World Wide Web’s tat market.

Justin Bieber undressing trial

To make it clear, The Bieb and The Bum have not been photographed together (yet), but their announcement was as momentous as any Royal betrothal. The Middleton business Party Pieces has been licensed to sell Bieber memorabilia through their homepage. The reaction of the envy crowd was predictable: Pippa is cashing in on her Royal connection. What losers! I mean the envy crowd, not the Middletons or the Biebers.

The advantage of the announced deal are obvious; there will be no official divorce or other news gimmicks in this joining of two internet star names, only cash. The Bieb can be sure to be selling on a web site that will be constantly in the news for decades to come, thanks to the busy bodies who will continue accusing the Middletons of cashing in. For the Middleton business it closes a gap. They had tat on Wills and Kate for mum, Super Mario for dad, Toy Story 3 for the boys, now they have the Bieb for the girls.

And they should live happily ever after, as in any fairytale, if it weren’t for the permanently envious losers who accuse just about anybody successful enough to cashing in on something or another. I for one hope that they might drown one of these days in their own bile while cheering on the Middletons to every penny they may garner through Party Pieces. If you live in the United Kingdom, you should be doing the same.

As opposed to most of the cheating high street brands, Carole and Michael Middleton pay their taxes in the UK and not in Switzerland (like Boots) or in Monaco (like Tesco). Every penny they earn therefore goes partly to pay taxes, and in case you should have forgotten or belong to the millions too lazy to ever work, taxes paid by many means lower taxes and more money for everybody. Just keep that in mind next time you want to snicker about doors-to-manual.

Real tax payers like Carole and Michael Middleton are the true aristocracy of this country, because they pay their taxes here (and most of the ‘old’ aristocracy do that, too, much to their credit). Its cheaters like Zac Goldsmith who are the runts of the pack, buying their way into the Commons and cheating on the taxes by so called ‘legal’ means. I definitely prefer someone ‘cashing in’ on their Royal connection than cashing in on my taxes.

While The Bieb was estimated of being worth 100 million pounds ($ 160 million), Party Pieces was estimated at a mere 30 million pounds ($ 50 million). The crux of the latter estimate is that it was made after the betrothal announcement of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge but before the Wedding. After Pippa’s bum went viral on that occasion, its worth might now be much nearer to The Bieb.

Further reading
Justin Bieber: 19th Birthday in London
William and Kate: Title History
How Royal Succession Works in the United Kingdom